by Chris Jones

In 2004 as I was having my annual New Year’s Day breakfast at IHOP with my friend, Chris, the topic of parenting entered into our discussion of annual goals for the year. I gleefully shared with him how I wanted to do this and do that with my kids and take them here and take them there. Chris listened with a smile on his face as he always did, sipping his coffee and nibbling off of his stack of hotcakes. He commended me how much I loved my kids and for wanting to do and experience more things with them. As I took in a mouthful of French toast, he shared his goals with me—and I wanted to drop my fork. “CJ,” he said in his teacherly tone, “I just want to touch my kids every day. They’re such a blessing and I see how different they are when I touch them.”

I stopped chewing and my eyes widened as I began to replay every interaction I could recall with my parents where my grandmother, grandfather or other adults in my life imparted some degree of physical touch in a way I received as loving (I had some not so pleasant memories of touch when I got out of line!). I remembered being 5 years old crawling into my grandparents' king-size bed and snuggling up with my grandmother while she watched 60 Minutes and Murder She Wrote on Sunday nights. I recalled being 9 years old and my uncles extending their hands to give fives while laughing out loud when I said something witty to taunt the other men rooting for the Miami Dolphins during Super Bowl XIX. I thought about how much that fed my masculinity and gave me a sense of belonging. I remembered being 14 years old and, after getting called out trying to steal home plate, feeling my grandfather’s arm over my shoulder as I fought back tears after losing a baseball game.

In each instance, physical touch transferred love and kinship from the adults in my life to me. It made it easier for me as grew into my teen years to be open with them because I did feel connected. It makes it easy for me today to maintain those bonds.

Ever since that day over 15 years ago, I have embedded that lesson from Chris into my character. I touch my kids every day that I am available to do so. From head rubs and high fives to wrestling on the floor and cuddling to watch YouTube Kids videos together on my iPhone, I want my kids to feel the words I say so often—I love you. And there is a difference in my children when I am more affectionate. They don’t act out of obligation, they respond out of love.

While I’m sure you’ve set your goals for 2018 and they are either off and running, or you’re trying to figure out how to get refocused, I challenge you to add this one simple action into your parenting repertoire. Not just for their hearts, but yours.