Hi everyone! The month of December is a busy one. For my family, it means my wedding anniversary (ten years! I will talk about it in another post), my son's birthday, and of course Christmas. There is so much going on this month, and the holidays are in full swing. Stress levels are high, at least they are for me. So, I thought that I would take a step back for a minute this week. I have a story for you about Christmas, and what this time of year means to my family and me. It's a personal story, but one I feel that I should share. This story is about our son...and our journey to have him.
My son is turning seven this year...his birthday is December 26th, the day after Christmas. But for this story I have to start years before I ever became pregnant with him. I had two pregnancies before my son was born.
We found out in Octoberish of 2008, that we were expecting our first baby. We were estatic. However that pregnancy was troubled from the beginning. And, on Christmas of that year, I started bleeding. We went to the doctor the next day, the 26th of December, and were told the baby had no heartbeat and was not measuring 10 weeks (as it should have been). I ended up having a D and C on that same painful day, December 26th. What followed was darkness. Solid darkness. My husband and I were lost, we struggled. I was angry, I hated everything. I would collapse in tears at any given moment and couldn't watch any movie involving miscarriages or babies. I started questioning why our baby had to be taken away on CHRISTMAS. Actually, I hated Christmas all together. It wasn't fair. Our gift was gone. My husband was quieter about his grief, but it hurt him too. It was a very, very difficult time, a challenging time, and it brings tears to my eyes to this day.
We found out that I was pregnant again in 2009, but I lost that baby too. It was much earlier then the first, but not any easier. We were sent to see a fertility specialist and I spent the next few months being poked and prodded, searching for an answer to why we were having so many problems getting pregnant. I was put on medication after medication and nothing worked. The doctor tried every procedure, or combination of, three times. Slowly we climbed our way up the ladder of options. Christmas 2009 came and I didn't want to celebrate. Nothing felt merry, nothing felt happy... I hated every minute. It was all a reminder of what we had lost. Somehow, we made it through, a feat harder then climbing a mountain. Somehow, we made it to the top. We were on our third try of IUI, the last stop before IVF, hoping and praying that this would be it. In early April of 2010 we found out we were pregnant again. Thankfully, our last IUI had worked.
Owen Theodore was born December 26, 2010....exactly 2 years to the day of my first miscarriage. Our Christmas miracle. When he was born, he had a head full of dark hair, and a bright blonde, almost white, swirl in the back. The nurses told me it is a birthmark, sometimes referred to as an "Angel's Kiss", but I actually think it's Poliosis. Angel's Kiss sounds better though. Our baby, was kissed by an angel and sent back to us. Maybe God was telling us, there was a reason for the pain of loss. There was a reason we had to fight the darkness. And there he was, Owen, my miracle, kissed by an angel...sent to us two years to the day that I lost my first baby. We were blessed.
Fast forward a year to Christmas 2011. Matt and I were totally shocked to find out a few days before Christmas that we were expecting another baby! We were completely surprised. I didn't even know. In fact I had just been chatting with friends about the journey we had with Owen and that we were not sure we would ever be able to have more kids. I had said that we were worried I would have to go through the treatments again. Turns out, I was already pregnant with our second miracle, Emma. She was quieter in her timing...she let us know she was there in her own time (still does that to this day). She's spunky in that way.
Christmas holds a special place in our hearts. We have had a gift taken away, and one given back. Then another miracle surprised us around the same time. Had you asked me a long time ago if I believed in miracles I would have said no. But I cannot deny that there are miracles at work here. I have proof of an answered prayer, a miracle baby, my son. And, we were blessed with news of our daughter Emma around Christmas, too. Two of the most amazing gifts I have ever received.
This holiday season, love those you are with. If you are in a place where we were, know that there are others that understand. Know that what seems dark and unfair, might be the start of something brighter. Sometimes, it has to be dark before there's light. Try, if you can, to find joy... it's out there. It might be exactly what you need to brighten the night.