Many times I find myself unable to sleep because I am tossing conversations and phrases around in my head trying to make sense of them. Maybe I take stuff too personally. Perhaps I worry too much about how others perceive me. Mostly I just don’t understand how some people can throw words around like they don’t hold meaning or emotion.
After wrestling with my thoughts for months, I found no solutions to the issues that were bothering me. I’ve prayed about them, left them alone, written about them, and basically gotten pissed off about them, to the point of wanting to get in my car and drive far away from them all, without so much as a “see ya later” to anyone close to me. I’m hurting, and I’m guessing you can somehow relate…
Sometimes you just need to get away so you can find a fresh perspective on important matters of the heart. A couple of days at Lake Gaston for Christmas gave me that opportunity. My brother-in-law gave our family the gift of a weekend on the lake to celebrate his mom’s 70th birthday, and it was the perfect retreat to ponder many things I am currently experiencing.
Life has a way of making me pause and check myself. I don’t think I am selfish per se, however, I have noticed that lately I am preoccupied with the way I am feeling and acting. So much is great in my life right now, and yet part of me feels full of frustration and unrest. Many contributing factors are showing me what the cause most likely is, but I know there’s more. Maybe the “more” is simply my own mindset and outlook on what is troubling me.
I’m tired of being the one who always try to fix things. I often tiptoe around the elephant in the room – i.e. misunderstandings, one sided outlooks and indifference - and I feel like I’m the only one who sees it. It annoys me and makes me want to scream. Again, I think it’s my perception of situations more than actual problems, yet I am clearly affected, so why can’t I verbalize it and make it clearer??
Quiet time this weekend showed me that I need to alter my focus, and let go of the things I cannot change. I do not have the responsibility of running the world, and it is truly arrogant to think that I do! Deep down in my soul, I know that I am a caring person who only wants to live a meaningful, positive, purposeful life. This weekend I actually sat still and just aimed at being at peace with myself and my life. It felt so good to just be. I feel like my mind was reset, and it is fabulous. I am so glad I had the opportunity to have that time alone.
When you are faced with a decision to make, what is your driving force in making it? Is it easy for you to just choose the right thing to do, or do you grapple with it for a while? Sometimes I find myself floundering because there isn’t a clear cut answer. Someone will end up hurt or disappointed and I want to avoid that at all costs. Truthfully, that isn’t really possible, is it? I mean if you choose what you feel in your heart to be the best thing, inevitably the other party involved could end up discouraged because their way didn’t work out. That doesn’t seem quite right, yet sometimes we have to do what is hard in order to move forward.
I never intentionally choose to do anything knowing it will upset someone else. I also realize that I cannot foresee what their reaction will be to my assessment of whatever it is we are discussing. The determining factor for my decision-making is whether or not my choice lines up with God’s word. Seeking His will guarantees that I will be doing the right thing regardless of whether the other people involved disagree or are not on board with me. I know it’s the right thing to do, so why is it still hard for me?!
Letting people down breaks my heart; even when I have to do it, due to the circumstances I’m in, it doesn’t make me feel any better inside. I forge ahead, however, because indecision is often worse than the end result of the choice I make. I know deep down inside that I will face more obstacles. I’m even aware that some of them will shake me to my core and make me crazy. You know what I mean? Two steps forward, three steps back kinda thing…let’s just keep going together, okay? I need a cheering section every now and again, don’t you?!
If you find yourself feeling stuck in your circumstances, or in a state of reflection, I encourage you to take some time to yourself to think it through. You don’t have to go far to get the answer you’re seeking. I’m quite sure it’s already inside you, just waiting for the chance to be spoken into existence. Hopefully you will be able to find peace in your situation, and be at more at ease in your soul, as I was after my quick get-away to Lake Gaston.