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Tuesday, December 6, 2022

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Stuff My Son Says

Kids are hilarious. They take in tons of stuff they see and hear every day, swish it around in their brain, and spit out some great stuff that you never would have thought of. Maybe you have a fantastic memory and can just remember everything they say. Lucky you. But more likely you’re like me and can’t remember what you had for breakfast today, let alone something great that your kid said two years ago. My suggestion? Write it down! I have a years-long running list on my phone’s notes app for stuff my son Benny says, as well as on for my daughter. Anything I want to remember, whether it’s a great quip or just a milestone that they hit, I jot down in the note. I usually only add a few a month, but it has really built up over time. (If you follow my lead, make sure you use an app that is synced to the cloud so it doesn’t vanish into thin air if your phone breaks.) Every so often I’ll look through the lists. Here are some of my favorites!

Age 2

  • I had been talking about things that are real versus make-believe. Benny thought about it for a few seconds, and then the first thing he asked was, “Hoho real? Hoho make beeve?” That’s right, my two-year-old son asked me if Santa was real. I remember that I blustered for a moment and noncommittally replied, “I’m not going to answer that right now.” For now, he still believes in Santa.
  • A kitty cat says “Ee-noww.” Anything on the TV is “TV movie.” Daniel Tiger is “Rawr.” Music is “soosic.”
  • Holding up a long piece of spaghetti, he would announce, “That’s a really big noo-noo!” This was his catchphrase for a little while.
  • I could get him to walk up to bath time by asking, “Benny do you want to dinosaur stomp?” We’d stomp our feet and walk upstairs chanting, “Dinosaur STOMP! Dinosaur STOMP!”

Age 3

  • “Some days boys have nipples. Some days they don’t.” I don’t think we’ll ever know where this came from.
  • After we watched “The Wizard of Oz,” he insisted the line was “Lions and tigers and beds, oh my!”
  • Benny: “I can do a lot of the things with my butt.” Me: “Like what?”
    Benny: “Like everything.”
  • His reasoning for why I should let him watch TV: “I have to watch a movie to be alive.”
  • Benny was shrieking at the dog.
    My wife: “Enough, you two!”
    Benny: “I’m not two, I’m three!”
  • “I dreamed I was in Harry Potter, and professor Snape pewed me, and I died.”
  • “Rock and roll is when you dance with rocks.”

Age 4

  • He found some sticky stuff on the floor, and identified it as “doggy dirt” and “spider juice.”
  • He told me one day, “I love you more than a crab loves his daddy.” This is still one of my top favorites.
  • “The Eiffel Tower is taller than the sky, and the sky is super tall.”
  • “I don’t like pigeons. Only sweet kind cute birds.”
  • “Dancing makes mommy have babies.”
  • After our trip to Maryland and Pennsylvania, he announced, “I’m glad I’m safely back to Virginia and Fredericksburg and Earth.”
  • I was trying to team him what a goatee was, but he just kept interrupting saying, “Go team!”
  • “I don’t want to go to the park. It’s dumb and boring. Like daddy.” Benny’s sickest burn to date.
  • Benny’s teacher: “You got a haircut, didn’t you?”
    Benny: “No, I’m just handsome.”
  • While playing 20 questions: “Is it bigger than farts? Because I just farted.”
  • “I think I will marry Winnie. Or a dump truck.”

Age 5

  • Me: “You need sunscreen. Trust me.”
    Benny: “I’m not trusting you!”
  • He calls question marks “mysteries.”
  • When I ate a bite of his cereal, he announced that I was “the biggest jerk in the land.” I accept the title.
  • To be continued…

I never would have remembered most of these if I hadn’t written them down. You should try writing down your kids’ quotes too. You won’t regret it.

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