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How Not To Be a Good Dad

Being a good dad is hard. It’s hard to define and even harder to do. And I’m certainly not an expert enough to tell you how to be a good dad. But what I can do is narrow down your options by ruling out some ways to not be a good dad. So, if you ever find yourself despairing about how to be a good father to your kids, come up with some ideas of things to do with your kids and just make sure they’re not on this list.

  • Name your kid “Backup Kidneys.”
  • Encourage your child to get a Paw Patrol tattoo for his fifth birthday.
  • Show up at her baseball game … and root for the other team.
  • Sign your son up for the martial arts class “Bloodsport Junior.”
  • Teach your teen how to smoke to give them a leg up at being cool in high school.
  • Once they hit puberty, tell them that the new body hair is from a tropical disease, and the only cure is to wash your car.
  • Instead of putting them in time-out, you lock them in the “uh-oh closet.”
  • Read to them every night from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
  • “… and these are my kids, Girl Tax Break and Boy Tax Break.”
  • If they’re fighting over a toy, give them a switchblade and let them figure it out for themselves.
  • “She’s got ten whole fingers, she can afford to lose a couple.”
  • Fake your own death to get out of a PTA meeting.
  • Put hydraulics on the stroller.
  • For her birthday party, skip over boring stuff like piñatas in favor of a live demonstration of how to field dress a deer.
  • You know, bungee cords work just as well as car seats.
  • As you daughter’s prom chaperone, bring a sharpened full-scale replica medieval sword and don’t break eye contact with her date the whole time.
  • Encourage them to supplement their allowance by stealing hubcaps.

Hopefully this list gave you some ideas of where not to start. Now get back out there and be the least bad dad you can be!

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