Nothing is more shocking to a mother with an unkempt house than the prospect of overnight guests.

For the casual playdate or visit, it's possible to present the illusion of cleanliness. Just launch an emergency assault on the bathroom and fling front door debris into the hall closet. For overnight guests, however, a hospitable and hygienic appearance must be maintained, in many rooms, for at least 24 hours. What a challenge!

Perhaps your house is spotless. Perhaps to accommodate houseguests you merely fluff the guest room pillows and set out fresh towels. But if your house is unsightly and unsanitary like mine…well, you've got work to do.

But where to begin, when there's so many dead bugs to vacuum and so little time?

Do not fret. Here are a few tips on a subject that Martha Stewart won't address: How to Prepare for Overnight Guests When Your House is Really, Really Dirty.

Rule #1: Do not frighten your guests. It is bad etiquette to "shock and awe" your company with the condition of your bathroom. Your bathroom should be an inviting retreat, not an experience to be endured. The same goes with your refrigerator. Your guests should feel welcome to peruse the fridge, or at least feel confident that consuming food will not initiate bouts of intestinal distress. That's not a parting gift you wish to bestow.

But how? How can this be done?

Tip #1: Prioritize. Forget vacuuming, dusting, or "tidying up." Let's start with scraping. Just look for brown or black residue. You know it's there…in the bathtub, on the sink, counters, refrigerator shelves. Also, scrape off any food debris found on your dining room chairs. (That is, if your dining room hasn't already been converted into a playroom.)

Tip #2: Locate ALL dirty diapers. Believe me, an old diaper is one surprise you don't want to give your guests. If you think your daughter has been putting her nighttime diaper in the trash every morning, think again. You'd be surprised where it turns up. (Hint: check inside her toy kitchen.)

Tip #3: If you can't fight it, fake it. Let's be serious. You can't possibly resolve all potentially hazardous health conditions by cleaning for a few hours, or days. Some trickery is required. Dashing around the house with a scented aerosol deodorizer and a few baby wipes will work wonders. Or my mini tip: Just disinfect near the front door for a springtime fresh smell upon arrival (because first impressions do count). Your guest's nose will acclimate to the other odors without notice.

Now that your house has been upgraded from Petri dish to presentable, you're ready to greet your guests with a warm smile and hug.

And hopefully, that is what they'll remember most.

Copyright 2007, Sarah Jane Marsh