So December was a rough month. After successfully completing the Turkey Trot 5k on Thanksgiving and basking in my glory for all of about 2 days, reality hit me like a brick again.
Traditionally I have always tried to make the last month of the year one of reflection and spiritual growth, but this year my body was just not going to cooperate and allow that to happen.
I started the month with the strong desire to eat healthy so as to prepare for the binging of the coming holiday season. Something came over me within that first week and I lost it. I cannot even begin to describe what it was but as I began to slip further into the quiet of my mind all I could think of was my old friend-crappy junk food. To those who do not struggle with this type of issue, it can be hard to understand. So hard that I don’t even understand it completely. We all have our secrets, the things that only we know, that only we struggle with. I admitted before about my sneaky drive-through visits, but trust me there are darker demons within that I battle. Like I said we all have our issues, the struggle is to not let them overtake you.
I really don’t like the word depression because I feel that it does not always clearly define what is going on in one’s mind-it is too broad of a term. I just know that there are times when I feel lost. I can’t find my footing, my foundation. I know deep down that it is there but no matter how hard I try I can’t get a grip. I function and I would say that outside of my husband very few even notice that much of a difference in me during these times. The hardest part of all of it is that I LOVE MY LIFE. I am so thankful for all that I have and wish that that was enough.
Being hungry is more than just wanting food. I have learned over much of my life that no amount of food can fill the void of emotional stress. But oh how many of us sure do try! I have found that when I am in a state, I am not very proactive in my meal planning. I know how important it is to do it and for so many different reasons. I have learned in almost all of my dieting/healthy eating quests that planning proactively is a key to success. Lack of planning for those dark moments is what led me to one of my worst months in quite a while. It was a whirlwind of fast food, junky snacks, and lots of cake. I knew that I was undoing months of positive effort with every delicious but ultimately painful bite.
So here I am as are many of you are - at the start of a new year. That blank canvas lies in front of us just waiting to be painted. I hesitate to say that this year is going to be different, that this is the year that I am going to change my ways. All I can say for sure is that this is the one time I feel that I am ready to face the things that hold me back, to put it out there, to be PROACTIVE in all that I do. In the Dr. Yum book I have been referring to during this blog series they state, “Like any other road trip, it’s a good idea to know what is around the corner! And how you react to what you encounter is up to you.” I may not know what is around the corner for sure, but I am pretty darn sure that I will have those lost moments again. I can’t control it completely, but I can prepare for it. I can choose how I will react to those moments and replace that hunger for food with a hunger for something more meaningful. Join me. ☺