THE PROBLEM: I’m scared for my 12-year-old son. He’s always been a kind, gentle boy, but lately he’s been hanging out with a boy at school who has a reputation for being—to put it bluntly—mean. Since then, my son seems different, even depressed. The other day he told me he went along with it when this boy made fun of another student at lunch. He also told me he had a stomachache all afternoon and wished he could come home. He’s so torn up inside. I miss my sweet kid! How can I help him?

MARY SAYS: While your son’s behavior is unsettling to you, the good news is, bullying isn’t something he’ll be able to do very well—or for very long. His gentle nature and the way he’s been raised to treat people will ultimately prevail. 

In fact, it already has, in the form of stomachaches and low moods.

What he needs from you now is guidance: a way out of a situation he’s gotten himself into. Talk to him about what you’ve observed and that you’re sensing he’s uncomfortable with his new friend’s behavior. You might get pushback from him—after all, he’s found a way to fit in, which is hard to let go of. 

But he probably won’t push too hard. 

What he needs is a strategy. Asking him to defend other children from his new friend might be asking a little much. But walking away is something he can do. And as he quietly slips away from a scene where his friend is making fun of another child, he’ll be sending the subtle message that he doesn’t want any part of it.

Encourage him to seek out another friend who is more like himself. And when he’s gained the confidence that comes with having friends, he might find the courage to intervene when he sees someone else being mistreated. 

Heroes aren’t ‘made’ overnight. But they can develop with a little guidance from someone who cares. 

ASK MOM offers parents a rearview perspective on today’s child-rearing issues from a mom with grown children. If you’re looking for creative solutions, or your mom isn’t around to ask, drop in! 

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Suzanne Johnson, mother of five children and grandmother of eight, is an illustrator, book cover designer, and author of the Realms of Edenocht series.