It’s that time of year again! It’s the time when bells get jingled and halls get decked; where treetops glisten and children listen to sleigh bells (but continue ignoring you). As a dad, this can be a hard time to feel like you’re doing anything right. You may be working to find the right presents for your family, or decorating for the holidays, or just trying to keep the lights on. Among all these things, it’s easy to feel like you’re losing your way as a dad. How, in these festive yet trying times, do you meet expectations as a dad?

I have no idea. If I did know, I certainly wouldn’t be telling you for free. But, like I’ve done several times before, I can help you figure it out by ruling out some things you should NOT do as a dad this Christmas season. Read my advice and then do the opposite, and you could very well be on your way to being a half-decent dad!

• Remind your little ones that Santa sees them all the time, ESPECIALLY when they’re in the bathroom.
• When your kids ask if Santa is real, reassure them that “he’s as real as much as I love you!”
• Your kids will want to stay up late to try to see Santa. A quick application of the Sleeper Hold will have them dreaming of sugar plums in no time!
• Save money on a tree; a small table adorned with festive decorations is just as good and still fits plenty of presents underneath! This Christmas Table may soon become a family tradition.
• Point out to your kids that those big icicles are great for eliminating enemies. Let it melt away, and no weapon means no conviction. The perfect holiday crime!
• A Christmas movie shared with your kids can create memories that last a lifetime. “Elf Massacre 4” is a timeless classic that the whole family can enjoy!
• Since you’ll be the one drinking it anyways, encourage your kids to take a break on Santa’s glass of milk and leave him a bottle of scotch instead.
• During your snowball fights, pack your snowballs with rocks to teach your kids the most important lesson: trust no one.
• A Christmas morning with no presents encourages mindfulness and gratitude. Try it out!
• To get that perfect crispy finish on your Christmas turkey, try building a homemade flamethrower out of duct tape and old lawnmower parts.
• Let the toddler play with your grandmother’s snow globes- it will teach him about responsibility and consequences.